[00:00:00] Becky: Welcome to Becky and Ben’s Fertility Spotlight. I’m Becky.
[00:00:07] Ben: I’m Ben.
[00:00:09] Becky: We’re parents to two amazing donor-conceived children and we’ve helped thousands of patients over the years in our day jobs as IVF coordinators.
[00:00:18] Ben: Fertility’s got too complicated. We’ll guide you towards the things that really matter and the things that don’t.
[00:00:24] Becky: Today, we’re focusing on the key decisions at the very start of your fertility journey. It’s all about being positive and pragmatic.
[00:00:32] Ben: Do remember our podcast is general information only. For a personalized diagnosis, always speak to a healthcare professional.
[00:00:39] Becky: Let’s get the ball rolling with today’s episode.
[music]
[00:00:46] Becky: In today’s episode, we’re talking about the key decisions that you take when you start your fertility journey. Before we do, I just want to thank everyone for their amazing positive messages that we’ve received from episode 1.
[00:01:04] Ben: Thank you everybody for your lovely messages. We do appreciate it. A lot of you actually saying a bit more about, “Tell us a bit more about you,” and how we met.
[00:01:13] Becky: The fascinating story of how we met. I was 38. I don’t mean to sound arrogant but I’d never had a problem having boyfriends but I just hadn’t met my Mr. Right. My flatmate said, “Right go online, go on that funny website.” What was it called, Ben?
[00:01:35] Ben: Sarah Beeny’s website. I think it was called My Single Friend.
[00:01:38] Becky: That’s right. Thank you, Sarah Beeny. A big shout out to Sarah Beeny here, because Ben was the first person who came up on my little computer screen. We met in a pub and four weeks later we were engaged.
[00:01:52] Ben: It was really that quick. It was the happiest time of my life. Definitely.
[00:01:58] Becky: Me too.
[00:01:59] Ben: It was worth the wait. That’s all I shall say to everyone. It was worth the wait and we wanted to start a family quite quickly.
[00:02:08] Becky: We knew ourselves pretty well by that stage and we were married within six months. We did the classic thing of leaving London, went to the countryside and thought, “Right, we’re going to have a baby and I’m going to dig a veg patch.”
[00:02:24] Ben: We did exactly that.
[00:02:26] Becky: I dug a veg patch.
[00:02:27] Ben: We did that. Back to the kid thing, we wanted to start a family and we did what a lot of people did, which in retrospect, may not have been the right way to do it. We tried naturally maybe for a bit too long because we were in our late 30s. We talk about this now, don’t we? I think the thing that perhaps we should have done differently, because our fertility journey took about five years in the end from start to finish, is once we decided to have a family we should have really had a fertility MOT there and then.
Often you have these fertility tests when you go to a clinic but if we’d done it then and you’d had the standard tests, the ultrasound scan, I’d had the sperm analysis and you’d had the blood hormone test, we could have then gone to a specialist consultant, probably not a GP, but a proper consultant and said, “What are our chances of achieving a pregnancy naturally?”
[00:03:20] Becky: I think what we’re saying is that if you are a couple in your late 30s and you are considering having children why not have a fertility MOT?
[00:03:32] Ben: Do it at the start rather than after a few years of frustration, because you can have these tests done privately, you can have them done by your local doctor. Depending which country you’re in, you can actually book them directly yourself. It would have just saved us a little bit of time because we spent a year trying naturally and then we were told, “Oh no, you can have four IUIs,” and we had those for another year. Then we had two IVS for another year and then we did donor eggs and the whole thing took five years. I reckon we could have got it down to three.
What I’m trying to say here is if we’d forced the pace just a little bit without putting pressure on ourselves we should possibly have done that. I think that would be advice number one to anyone listening that if you decide to start a family, first of all, fantastic, congratulations and good luck, but think about checking yourselves out there and then.
[00:04:24] Becky: Exactly. We thought that, in some respects, the time management is key and organization is key. We obviously don’t want you to stress about this but you could actually think, “Okay, I’m going to have a fertility plan.” Would you agree with that?
[00:04:41] Ben: I would. What I’ve noticed recently is the rise of fertility coaching in the fertility world. A fertility coach is someone who can advise you on all aspects of your fertility treatment in a way that perhaps your doctor can’t or in a way that possibly a professional consultant may not be able to, or even a clinic. You don’t have to use a fertility coach, and do choose them carefully if you decide to have one.
What we’re trying to say here is take control a little bit more of your fertility journey from the start. When we say a fertility plan, we don’t say a detailed spreadsheet or anything like that, we just say, “Right, we’re starting now. Let’s do the tests, let’s see how we are in three months or six months and go from there. Maybe we would force the pace at that point.” Otherwise, what a lot of people do, including us, is they sleepwalk into this fertility journey and it becomes a very, very slow process. I think that there is a way of just slightly speeding it up.
[00:05:42] Becky: I think just feeling more in control because it’s very hard for couples starting on their fertility journey to know where you are, what you’re doing. You feel a bit like a rabbit in headlights, don’t you?
[00:05:55] Ben: You do. You’re all at sea, and possibly, you don’t think you’re all at sea at the time, you just move on.
[music]
[00:06:08] Becky: This leads us on to the idea of having counselling, maybe not after some very challenging and awful miscarriage or failure, but actually before you start your fertility journey, thinking of researching a great fertility counsellor, there are a lot out there, who can just help you run through the possibilities of what might happen and how you might cope, and so on and so forth.
[00:06:37] Ben: That goes together with the idea of the fertility MOT, is that’s one and the same in a way. If you can get your head in the right space and get yourself in, it’s an expression we use quite a lot in this podcast, a fertility mindset then that’s all to the good, because we know that the provision of fertility counselling across the country and across the world is going to be different in every country.
I think you’ll probably be able to find one, and it may just be that you have just one fertility session, counselling session with your partner, maybe separately, maybe together, and it just eases you into the journey you’re about to embark on.
[00:07:15] Becky: I think it focuses your mind. This leads us on to choosing the right treatment path. You might find that you start off with IUI or IVF with your own eggs, or you might go straight to donor eggs or donor embryos. If you’re an older woman you might be thinking, “Which route?” Is it worth having IVF with your own eggs? How do you feel about that?
[00:07:38] Ben: That is something that you will definitely talk about a lot in your relationship. We spent most suppers talking about all of the stuff, “Which route do we go?” Obviously, your clinic will advise you and give some suggestions as to the way you could go. There was one clinic that we used after we had the miscarriage with Elsie, and I have to say that particular clinic didn’t give us particularly good advice. They just suggested we carry on with our own eggs, but that had already been a cycle with donor eggs.
[00:08:07] Becky: That wasn’t a miscarriage with Elsie. It was a miscarriage with our own eggs in an IVF cycle. They said, “Carry on having IVF with your own eggs.” We realized that the chances were so low that we should actually think about donor egg treatment.
[00:08:22] Ben: I’m glad we did it because it was an example of taking a positive albeit slightly scary approach to owning our fertility journey. Ultimately it was a pragmatic decision.
[00:08:36] Becky: Absolutely. I have known couples and we have helped couples who, for either medical reasons or for various other reasons, have decided to go down the surrogacy route.
[00:08:47] Ben: We will definitely do an episode on surrogacy because it’s a very, very interesting area. The thing to summarize on this idea of getting on the right treatment path is really; fertility MOT, see a counselor, listen carefully to your clinic but don’t be totally guided by them in terms of your treatment choices, because at the end of the day what matters is what you want and the time it takes for you to get to that point.
[music]
[00:09:16] Becky: I want to move on to deciding which clinic would be right for you.
[00:09:20] Ben: This is the million-dollar question because we’re obviously very lucky to live in an age when there are loads of wonderful fertility clinics out there. Depending where you are in the world, there’s going to be someone quite close to you. I think what we would say is, again, the traditional route is that you go to your local clinic first.
[00:09:40] Becky: Also you might get state help. You might be helped by the state to go to a particular clinic which is local to your area.
[00:09:50] Ben: You may feel that that’s the route to take. A lot of a lot of people do. The simple fact is we do live in an age where you can travel a little further to have your treatment pretty much like we did.
We did loads of research on this, didn’t we?
[00:10:02] Becky: We did.
[00:10:03] Ben: We’re in the UK, and we decided in the end to go abroad for treatment where we have access to very, very good donors. We definitely made the right choice there. The simple fact is it is quite hard for people, particularly the first time they have treatment, say the first IVF cycle. They may not want to go that far on the first go. We totally understand, you want to keep it close. The point is those opportunities exist further away than you think.
There are directories of clinics that you can go to online. Of course, read the reviews, read the testimonials of a few clinics, and you’ll get a feel for the clinic you might ultimately choose. I think at the end of the day, it’s a very personal decision who you go with. Look at their website and just take it from there.
[music]
[00:10:53] Becky: This, of course, leads us on to finances. If you are lucky enough to get state provision, then of course, you might, for example, have one cycle, two cycles, three cycles literally for free. That may not happen in your area. There may be questions over how old you are, et cetera. If you have a previous child, sometimes that comes up.
[00:11:17] Ben: It depends which country you’re in. We’re speaking in the UK where state provision of fertility treatment is rather patchy. There’s this thing called the postcode lotteries. Sometimes where you live makes a difference as to whether you get it. There are also lots of other barriers to treatment here as well. Although we’ve also had some great success stories with people who’ve succeeded on the state route.
[00:11:42] Becky: Sometimes if, the state says no, then I remember we ourselves, we appealed, didn’t we?
[00:11:48] Ben: We did.
[00:11:49] Becky: Where we were, up north, we were refused and we wrote to our local MP, didn’t we?
[00:11:54] Ben: We did. We got another IVF cycle on the state and we were very grateful for that. Unfortunately, it didn’t work. The thing I would say is for lots of people listening, the fact is it may come down to paying for your treatment.
[00:12:08] Becky: Yes. Sadly, you may have to think, “Okay, how much savings do we have? Do we have to use our credit card? Will we be able to be helped by a supportive family?” It’s something that’s important to think about, because unfortunately, it can be very, very expensive.
[00:12:28] Ben: We have noticed recently how quite a few clinics offer these guarantee-backed schemes.
[00:12:34] Becky: Yes, that’s good.
[00:12:35] Ben: It’s an interesting development. It certainly is. Generally speaking, these schemes are weighted in favor of the clinic, or they wouldn’t actually do it, they’d lose money. If, for example, you come across something saying, “If you’re not successful after three goes, then you get your money back,” now, it may be that that is very attractive to certain people who want that surety, but they will have worked out the clinic or the insurance behind it, that most people may lose a bit of money doing that rather than gain it.
[00:13:06] Becky: Of course, unfortunately, with the IVF process, the first IVF cycle may not work. The second IVF cycle may not work. I suppose we’re saying if you possibly can, have a rainy day fertility fund, because I’m afraid, finances are key. One thing I do want to mention, which was quite entertaining, was before we started having IVF treatment, I remember a friend of mine saying, “Day 10, darling, day 10.” I was like, “Okay, great. Thanks.”
[00:13:43] Ben: Day 10, just to explain, was her suggestion. If you try naturally, that’s the best day of a cycle to try.
[00:13:52] Becky: When you’re ovulating.
[00:13:53] Ben: I think we tried it.
[00:13:54] Becky: We discussed this in Family and Friends, in episode 1, the advice you can get from people. That was was quite a funny one that sprang to mind on the train here today.
[00:14:05] Ben: She meant well.
[00:14:06] Becky: She meant very well, but it does make me laugh.
[00:14:09] Ben: It goes back to what we were saying at the start of this episode, that if you can do a fertility MOT at the start, that’s going to be your best angle in terms of understanding your fertility chances rather than friends suggesting things.
[music]
[00:14:27] Becky: This leads us to the conclusion of an image that I thought of when I was coming here today with Ben. I remember really, really vividly, the image of a huge pile of medication boxes arriving through the post-
[00:14:42] Ben: I remember.
[00:14:43] Becky: -when I decided to start my fertility journey. I was overwhelmed. I remember, they came through the door and we dumped them on our spare bed. I remember thinking, “Oh, my goodness, what am I going to do here?” These clinical white boxes, literally a massive pile of them.
[00:15:04] Ben: What’s interesting about that reaction, because I’m sure a lot of people have that reaction, you spend a fortune on these drugs and there they are on the table, like something out of a Turner Prize. This is an example of how you can turn it on its head and say, “Well, actually, that box of medication is the result of years of incredible scientific efforts.” It’s almost like a present to you. It doesn’t look like a present. It looks like a scary pile of boxes. I think you said this, you can imagine them tied in ribbons, if it’s-
[00:15:36] Becky: I had the idea again of, I wish in a way that when I’d received those boxes that I’d gone into my odds and buds drawer and brought out some golden ribbon and literally tied a golden ribbon around each box, because if you can look at it in a positive way and think, “Wow, in some ways, this is a symbol of hope.”
[00:15:59] Ben: It’s basically the end point. It’s the manifestation of decades of medical science that has got to that point. Now, it’s not glamorous seeing that pile of boxes, but that is the result of incredible medical ingenuity, also not just on behalf of scientists and doctors, but on behalf of many people who went through and took these drugs in the early stages as part of the trial. Fertility mindset, if that’s the right expression, fertility, courage, whatever you want to call it, look at those boxes because they represent hope.
[00:16:33] Becky: You could even say that fertility treatment, looking at those boxes is a declaration of love.
[00:16:40] Ben: I would say having children or the decision to have children is a declaration of love as well. There’s something about the bravery and the resilience of people who go through IVF that makes me think that that is a very lovely phrase, a declaration of love, because it is the starting point to something that, hopefully, for most people will lead to success.
[00:17:07] Becky: This is an extraordinary thing to have on your table or on your bed, a pile of boxes of medication that could lead to you actually having a baby.
[music]
[00:17:22] Becky: To conclude today’s episode, I think we’re just so grateful, aren’t we, Ben, that technology is so amazing in this age. Here we are in 2024. We obviously benefited 11 years ago and 9 years ago with donor egg treatment. Every day, donor egg science or the medication is improving. Every day, scientists are working at developing and creating a higher chance of success.
[00:17:57] Ben: That’s true. Again, when IVF was invented 50 years or so ago, I just wonder whether they even thought that we’d see donor conception happening at all.
[00:18:07] Becky: I know. It’s amazing,
[00:18:08] Ben: It’s wonderful the way it’s branched over from IVF into donor conception in this particular direction, because it suddenly gave women such as yourself in their late 30s, early 40s, that amazing chance of having a child. Once you get your head around it, and this is the thing going back to the fertility mindset, getting your head around the concept of donor eggs, once you’ve gone past that point, it’s almost enjoyable. I’m not saying we’re jumping for joy, but suddenly, to be given a 70% success chance as opposed to 5%.
[00:18:42] Becky: Exactly. For women in their 40s and really up to the age of 50, this gives an extraordinary opportunity for women to have their beloved babies.
[00:18:54] Ben: Now, of course, donor egg treatment is not for everyone, and everybody goes on their own journey as to whether or not to have it. Some people take a couple of months, some people take a couple of years.
[00:19:05] Becky: That’s very true. I think it’s something that people think long and hard about. I can say from the bottom of my heart that that is the best thing we ever did.
[music]
[00:19:18] Becky: Thank you for listening to Becky and Ben’s Fertility Spotlight. You can read more about our personal journey and our work as fertility advocates on the podcast website, www.fertility-spotlight.com. Check out our social media channels, facebook.com/fertilityspotlight and instagram.com/fertilityspotlight.
[00:19:41] Ben: We’d love you to write a comment, share this episode or subscribe. To help us continue doing this podcast, you can always make a donation. If you’d like us to explore a particular issue, please message us or drop us an email via the website.
[00:19:54] Becky: Next up, we’ll be covering a subject close to our hearts, donor egg treatment.
[00:19:59] Ben: Don’t forget, Becky and I aren’t doctors, so always speak to a healthcare professional for medical advice specific to you.
[00:20:05] Becky: See you next time. Remember, don’t despair.
[00:20:07] Ben: We’ll get there.
[00:20:13] [END OF AUDIO]
Considering IVF? 5 Key Tips Starting Your Fertility Journey
If you’re having difficulties conceiving, there’s a moment when you may consider IVF. But it’s not always needed. Small adjustments can make a big difference. Planning your conception attempts more proactively, at an earlier stage, could save you time, cash and a whole lot of anxiety.
In the second episode of our fertility podcast (you can listen to it below), we discuss ways you can better ‘own’ your path to parenthood. (Had we followed our own advice, we would have had our first baby after three years of trying, not five.) We wasted time on pointless IUI treatments, trying to conceive naturally for too long, and using the wrong clinics. So here are five tips on what to do, and what not to do, at the start of your fertility journey.
1. Get tested – now, not in a year.
When you decide to start a family, the traditional approach is to start having unprotected intercourse. Your doctor – if you ever talked to them about starting a family (most couples don’t) – may tell you to give it a year. Or six months, if you’re over 35. But preliminary conception advice is typically general and untailored. If you’re serious about having a baby, consider having key fertility testing at the very start of your journey. A trans-vaginal scan, female blood hormone test and semen analysis are a must. Take the results to a private fertility doctor and get their input. They may see something you need to address right away. Force the pace.
2. Get in shape.
It may sound obvious, but good physical health gives you the edge when if comes to your conception chances. Both partners should aim for a normal BMI level. Regular, moderate exercise is best, as is a healthy, balanced diet. Conception vitamins and mineral supplements are advisable – and you don’t need to buy the cheap ones at the supermarket. There’s a raft of more naturally sourced fertility products out there. A daily dose is easy to add into your routine.
3. Optimise your fertility mindset.
Most fertility patients see a counsellor after bad news – typically a miscarriage, a sustained timeframe of unsuccessful conception attempts, or a failed IVF cycle. Our advice is to is start seeing a counsellor at the very start of your conception journey. Once again, it’s about being proactive, not reactive. A specialist fertility counsellor could help you to develop a strong ‘fertility mindset’ for the road ahead. That road may be short or long. Being guided to be realistic, honest and emotionally open could improve your coping strategies, insulate you against any future setbacks and strengthen your relationship. Fertility coaching is also an option.
4. Fertility treatment options – be realistic.
After six months of trying to conceive naturally – or sooner, if the fertility specialist we urged you to see advises – your next move could be fertility treatment. Be steered by the clinic you choose, but not entirely. It’s almost impossible to gauge the integrity of every clinic, given most have commercial imperatives. Be wary of multi-cycle offers. Ask yourself if IVF is really your best option if you’re over 40. Don’t rule out donor conception if either of you have a significant infertility issue. And choose your clinic carefully. Local is not always best. Travelling further afield – abroad, in our case – may be worth thinking about.
5. Finances – get them ready.
If you decide to have fertility treatment, you may be lucky and get state help. In the UK, where we’re based, this is a decidedly random affair, with many couples locked out. So then it’s private treatment, which costs money. Start saving now for this. It may not be feasible for everyone to pay by credit card on the day, which you then need to repay anyway. Start a rainy day (or IVF) fund now, or consider more novel ways to raise the cash. Asking family and friends is hard, but you may be surprised at who’s willing to chip in. Employer schemes may exist, and if you’re not sure, ask your employer if they can support you financially. It may be a polite no, but at least you asked. In the world of work today, employee wellbeing is higher on the agenda than it used to be. Be brave and own your fertility future.
We hope you enjoy the podcast. To listen to more episodes, and to find out more about our IVF journey, have a listen to Becky & Ben’s Fertility Spotlight
[00:00:00] Becky: Welcome to Becky and Ben’s Fertility Spotlight. I’m Becky.
[00:00:07] Ben: I’m Ben.
[00:00:09] Becky: We’re parents to two amazing donor-conceived children and we’ve helped thousands of patients over the years in our day jobs as IVF coordinators.
[00:00:18] Ben: Fertility’s got too complicated. We’ll guide you towards the things that really matter and the things that don’t.
[00:00:24] Becky: Today, we’re focusing on the key decisions at the very start of your fertility journey. It’s all about being positive and pragmatic.
[00:00:32] Ben: Do remember our podcast is general information only. For a personalized diagnosis, always speak to a healthcare professional.
[00:00:39] Becky: Let’s get the ball rolling with today’s episode.
[music]
[00:00:46] Becky: In today’s episode, we’re talking about the key decisions that you take when you start your fertility journey. Before we do, I just want to thank everyone for their amazing positive messages that we’ve received from episode 1.
[00:01:04] Ben: Thank you everybody for your lovely messages. We do appreciate it. A lot of you actually saying a bit more about, “Tell us a bit more about you,” and how we met.
[00:01:13] Becky: The fascinating story of how we met. I was 38. I don’t mean to sound arrogant but I’d never had a problem having boyfriends but I just hadn’t met my Mr. Right. My flatmate said, “Right go online, go on that funny website.” What was it called, Ben?
[00:01:35] Ben: Sarah Beeny’s website. I think it was called My Single Friend.
[00:01:38] Becky: That’s right. Thank you, Sarah Beeny. A big shout out to Sarah Beeny here, because Ben was the first person who came up on my little computer screen. We met in a pub and four weeks later we were engaged.
[00:01:52] Ben: It was really that quick. It was the happiest time of my life. Definitely.
[00:01:58] Becky: Me too.
[00:01:59] Ben: It was worth the wait. That’s all I shall say to everyone. It was worth the wait and we wanted to start a family quite quickly.
[00:02:08] Becky: We knew ourselves pretty well by that stage and we were married within six months. We did the classic thing of leaving London, went to the countryside and thought, “Right, we’re going to have a baby and I’m going to dig a veg patch.”
[00:02:24] Ben: We did exactly that.
[00:02:26] Becky: I dug a veg patch.
[00:02:27] Ben: We did that. Back to the kid thing, we wanted to start a family and we did what a lot of people did, which in retrospect, may not have been the right way to do it. We tried naturally maybe for a bit too long because we were in our late 30s. We talk about this now, don’t we? I think the thing that perhaps we should have done differently, because our fertility journey took about five years in the end from start to finish, is once we decided to have a family we should have really had a fertility MOT there and then.
Often you have these fertility tests when you go to a clinic but if we’d done it then and you’d had the standard tests, the ultrasound scan, I’d had the sperm analysis and you’d had the blood hormone test, we could have then gone to a specialist consultant, probably not a GP, but a proper consultant and said, “What are our chances of achieving a pregnancy naturally?”
[00:03:20] Becky: I think what we’re saying is that if you are a couple in your late 30s and you are considering having children why not have a fertility MOT?
[00:03:32] Ben: Do it at the start rather than after a few years of frustration, because you can have these tests done privately, you can have them done by your local doctor. Depending which country you’re in, you can actually book them directly yourself. It would have just saved us a little bit of time because we spent a year trying naturally and then we were told, “Oh no, you can have four IUIs,” and we had those for another year. Then we had two IVS for another year and then we did donor eggs and the whole thing took five years. I reckon we could have got it down to three.
What I’m trying to say here is if we’d forced the pace just a little bit without putting pressure on ourselves we should possibly have done that. I think that would be advice number one to anyone listening that if you decide to start a family, first of all, fantastic, congratulations and good luck, but think about checking yourselves out there and then.
[00:04:24] Becky: Exactly. We thought that, in some respects, the time management is key and organization is key. We obviously don’t want you to stress about this but you could actually think, “Okay, I’m going to have a fertility plan.” Would you agree with that?
[00:04:41] Ben: I would. What I’ve noticed recently is the rise of fertility coaching in the fertility world. A fertility coach is someone who can advise you on all aspects of your fertility treatment in a way that perhaps your doctor can’t or in a way that possibly a professional consultant may not be able to, or even a clinic. You don’t have to use a fertility coach, and do choose them carefully if you decide to have one.
What we’re trying to say here is take control a little bit more of your fertility journey from the start. When we say a fertility plan, we don’t say a detailed spreadsheet or anything like that, we just say, “Right, we’re starting now. Let’s do the tests, let’s see how we are in three months or six months and go from there. Maybe we would force the pace at that point.” Otherwise, what a lot of people do, including us, is they sleepwalk into this fertility journey and it becomes a very, very slow process. I think that there is a way of just slightly speeding it up.
[00:05:42] Becky: I think just feeling more in control because it’s very hard for couples starting on their fertility journey to know where you are, what you’re doing. You feel a bit like a rabbit in headlights, don’t you?
[00:05:55] Ben: You do. You’re all at sea, and possibly, you don’t think you’re all at sea at the time, you just move on.
[music]
[00:06:08] Becky: This leads us on to the idea of having counselling, maybe not after some very challenging and awful miscarriage or failure, but actually before you start your fertility journey, thinking of researching a great fertility counsellor, there are a lot out there, who can just help you run through the possibilities of what might happen and how you might cope, and so on and so forth.
[00:06:37] Ben: That goes together with the idea of the fertility MOT, is that’s one and the same in a way. If you can get your head in the right space and get yourself in, it’s an expression we use quite a lot in this podcast, a fertility mindset then that’s all to the good, because we know that the provision of fertility counselling across the country and across the world is going to be different in every country.
I think you’ll probably be able to find one, and it may just be that you have just one fertility session, counselling session with your partner, maybe separately, maybe together, and it just eases you into the journey you’re about to embark on.
[00:07:15] Becky: I think it focuses your mind. This leads us on to choosing the right treatment path. You might find that you start off with IUI or IVF with your own eggs, or you might go straight to donor eggs or donor embryos. If you’re an older woman you might be thinking, “Which route?” Is it worth having IVF with your own eggs? How do you feel about that?
[00:07:38] Ben: That is something that you will definitely talk about a lot in your relationship. We spent most suppers talking about all of the stuff, “Which route do we go?” Obviously, your clinic will advise you and give some suggestions as to the way you could go. There was one clinic that we used after we had the miscarriage with Elsie, and I have to say that particular clinic didn’t give us particularly good advice. They just suggested we carry on with our own eggs, but that had already been a cycle with donor eggs.
[00:08:07] Becky: That wasn’t a miscarriage with Elsie. It was a miscarriage with our own eggs in an IVF cycle. They said, “Carry on having IVF with your own eggs.” We realized that the chances were so low that we should actually think about donor egg treatment.
[00:08:22] Ben: I’m glad we did it because it was an example of taking a positive albeit slightly scary approach to owning our fertility journey. Ultimately it was a pragmatic decision.
[00:08:36] Becky: Absolutely. I have known couples and we have helped couples who, for either medical reasons or for various other reasons, have decided to go down the surrogacy route.
[00:08:47] Ben: We will definitely do an episode on surrogacy because it’s a very, very interesting area. The thing to summarize on this idea of getting on the right treatment path is really; fertility MOT, see a counselor, listen carefully to your clinic but don’t be totally guided by them in terms of your treatment choices, because at the end of the day what matters is what you want and the time it takes for you to get to that point.
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[00:09:16] Becky: I want to move on to deciding which clinic would be right for you.
[00:09:20] Ben: This is the million-dollar question because we’re obviously very lucky to live in an age when there are loads of wonderful fertility clinics out there. Depending where you are in the world, there’s going to be someone quite close to you. I think what we would say is, again, the traditional route is that you go to your local clinic first.
[00:09:40] Becky: Also you might get state help. You might be helped by the state to go to a particular clinic which is local to your area.
[00:09:50] Ben: You may feel that that’s the route to take. A lot of a lot of people do. The simple fact is we do live in an age where you can travel a little further to have your treatment pretty much like we did.
We did loads of research on this, didn’t we?
[00:10:02] Becky: We did.
[00:10:03] Ben: We’re in the UK, and we decided in the end to go abroad for treatment where we have access to very, very good donors. We definitely made the right choice there. The simple fact is it is quite hard for people, particularly the first time they have treatment, say the first IVF cycle. They may not want to go that far on the first go. We totally understand, you want to keep it close. The point is those opportunities exist further away than you think.
There are directories of clinics that you can go to online. Of course, read the reviews, read the testimonials of a few clinics, and you’ll get a feel for the clinic you might ultimately choose. I think at the end of the day, it’s a very personal decision who you go with. Look at their website and just take it from there.
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[00:10:53] Becky: This, of course, leads us on to finances. If you are lucky enough to get state provision, then of course, you might, for example, have one cycle, two cycles, three cycles literally for free. That may not happen in your area. There may be questions over how old you are, et cetera. If you have a previous child, sometimes that comes up.
[00:11:17] Ben: It depends which country you’re in. We’re speaking in the UK where state provision of fertility treatment is rather patchy. There’s this thing called the postcode lotteries. Sometimes where you live makes a difference as to whether you get it. There are also lots of other barriers to treatment here as well. Although we’ve also had some great success stories with people who’ve succeeded on the state route.
[00:11:42] Becky: Sometimes if, the state says no, then I remember we ourselves, we appealed, didn’t we?
[00:11:48] Ben: We did.
[00:11:49] Becky: Where we were, up north, we were refused and we wrote to our local MP, didn’t we?
[00:11:54] Ben: We did. We got another IVF cycle on the state and we were very grateful for that. Unfortunately, it didn’t work. The thing I would say is for lots of people listening, the fact is it may come down to paying for your treatment.
[00:12:08] Becky: Yes. Sadly, you may have to think, “Okay, how much savings do we have? Do we have to use our credit card? Will we be able to be helped by a supportive family?” It’s something that’s important to think about, because unfortunately, it can be very, very expensive.
[00:12:28] Ben: We have noticed recently how quite a few clinics offer these guarantee-backed schemes.
[00:12:34] Becky: Yes, that’s good.
[00:12:35] Ben: It’s an interesting development. It certainly is. Generally speaking, these schemes are weighted in favor of the clinic, or they wouldn’t actually do it, they’d lose money. If, for example, you come across something saying, “If you’re not successful after three goes, then you get your money back,” now, it may be that that is very attractive to certain people who want that surety, but they will have worked out the clinic or the insurance behind it, that most people may lose a bit of money doing that rather than gain it.
[00:13:06] Becky: Of course, unfortunately, with the IVF process, the first IVF cycle may not work. The second IVF cycle may not work. I suppose we’re saying if you possibly can, have a rainy day fertility fund, because I’m afraid, finances are key. One thing I do want to mention, which was quite entertaining, was before we started having IVF treatment, I remember a friend of mine saying, “Day 10, darling, day 10.” I was like, “Okay, great. Thanks.”
[00:13:43] Ben: Day 10, just to explain, was her suggestion. If you try naturally, that’s the best day of a cycle to try.
[00:13:52] Becky: When you’re ovulating.
[00:13:53] Ben: I think we tried it.
[00:13:54] Becky: We discussed this in Family and Friends, in episode 1, the advice you can get from people. That was was quite a funny one that sprang to mind on the train here today.
[00:14:05] Ben: She meant well.
[00:14:06] Becky: She meant very well, but it does make me laugh.
[00:14:09] Ben: It goes back to what we were saying at the start of this episode, that if you can do a fertility MOT at the start, that’s going to be your best angle in terms of understanding your fertility chances rather than friends suggesting things.
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[00:14:27] Becky: This leads us to the conclusion of an image that I thought of when I was coming here today with Ben. I remember really, really vividly, the image of a huge pile of medication boxes arriving through the post-
[00:14:42] Ben: I remember.
[00:14:43] Becky: -when I decided to start my fertility journey. I was overwhelmed. I remember, they came through the door and we dumped them on our spare bed. I remember thinking, “Oh, my goodness, what am I going to do here?” These clinical white boxes, literally a massive pile of them.
[00:15:04] Ben: What’s interesting about that reaction, because I’m sure a lot of people have that reaction, you spend a fortune on these drugs and there they are on the table, like something out of a Turner Prize. This is an example of how you can turn it on its head and say, “Well, actually, that box of medication is the result of years of incredible scientific efforts.” It’s almost like a present to you. It doesn’t look like a present. It looks like a scary pile of boxes. I think you said this, you can imagine them tied in ribbons, if it’s-
[00:15:36] Becky: I had the idea again of, I wish in a way that when I’d received those boxes that I’d gone into my odds and buds drawer and brought out some golden ribbon and literally tied a golden ribbon around each box, because if you can look at it in a positive way and think, “Wow, in some ways, this is a symbol of hope.”
[00:15:59] Ben: It’s basically the end point. It’s the manifestation of decades of medical science that has got to that point. Now, it’s not glamorous seeing that pile of boxes, but that is the result of incredible medical ingenuity, also not just on behalf of scientists and doctors, but on behalf of many people who went through and took these drugs in the early stages as part of the trial. Fertility mindset, if that’s the right expression, fertility, courage, whatever you want to call it, look at those boxes because they represent hope.
[00:16:33] Becky: You could even say that fertility treatment, looking at those boxes is a declaration of love.
[00:16:40] Ben: I would say having children or the decision to have children is a declaration of love as well. There’s something about the bravery and the resilience of people who go through IVF that makes me think that that is a very lovely phrase, a declaration of love, because it is the starting point to something that, hopefully, for most people will lead to success.
[00:17:07] Becky: This is an extraordinary thing to have on your table or on your bed, a pile of boxes of medication that could lead to you actually having a baby.
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[00:17:22] Becky: To conclude today’s episode, I think we’re just so grateful, aren’t we, Ben, that technology is so amazing in this age. Here we are in 2024. We obviously benefited 11 years ago and 9 years ago with donor egg treatment. Every day, donor egg science or the medication is improving. Every day, scientists are working at developing and creating a higher chance of success.
[00:17:57] Ben: That’s true. Again, when IVF was invented 50 years or so ago, I just wonder whether they even thought that we’d see donor conception happening at all.
[00:18:07] Becky: I know. It’s amazing,
[00:18:08] Ben: It’s wonderful the way it’s branched over from IVF into donor conception in this particular direction, because it suddenly gave women such as yourself in their late 30s, early 40s, that amazing chance of having a child. Once you get your head around it, and this is the thing going back to the fertility mindset, getting your head around the concept of donor eggs, once you’ve gone past that point, it’s almost enjoyable. I’m not saying we’re jumping for joy, but suddenly, to be given a 70% success chance as opposed to 5%.
[00:18:42] Becky: Exactly. For women in their 40s and really up to the age of 50, this gives an extraordinary opportunity for women to have their beloved babies.
[00:18:54] Ben: Now, of course, donor egg treatment is not for everyone, and everybody goes on their own journey as to whether or not to have it. Some people take a couple of months, some people take a couple of years.
[00:19:05] Becky: That’s very true. I think it’s something that people think long and hard about. I can say from the bottom of my heart that that is the best thing we ever did.
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[00:19:18] Becky: Thank you for listening to Becky and Ben’s Fertility Spotlight. You can read more about our personal journey and our work as fertility advocates on the podcast website, www.fertility-spotlight.com. Check out our social media channels, facebook.com/fertilityspotlight and instagram.com/fertilityspotlight.
[00:19:41] Ben: We’d love you to write a comment, share this episode or subscribe. To help us continue doing this podcast, you can always make a donation. If you’d like us to explore a particular issue, please message us or drop us an email via the website.
[00:19:54] Becky: Next up, we’ll be covering a subject close to our hearts, donor egg treatment.
[00:19:59] Ben: Don’t forget, Becky and I aren’t doctors, so always speak to a healthcare professional for medical advice specific to you.
[00:20:05] Becky: See you next time. Remember, don’t despair.
[00:20:07] Ben: We’ll get there.
[00:20:13] [END OF AUDIO]
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